A Big Explosion
I've got a feeling work is somehow piling up on me and getting to me, and I haven't even started my job properly yet! It would sure as hell explain my lack of drive. Earlier, my parents decided to look over my personal statement, and my Dad came in and said "If the personal statement is as important as you say it is, you're gonna have to write something helluva lot better than that!" And I just exploded in response. I was basically so fed up of working on the dammed thing, having it thrown back in my face, I just started yelling back. Which was odd. 'Coz I normally would only ever shout back, not actually start yelling. I literally felt like I was venting the pressure from our work. I have a feeling when Hol mentioned exam fatigue she was right, we've been working non-stop for quite a long time now. Even with our holidays and days off, work is always looming over us and our next exams, and I don't know about anyone else, but it's beginning to get to me I think. Hell, I have it easy really, I have nothing to worry about but my work. No hard job, no girlfriend, no family trouble, no money trouble, it's easy! Yet the pressure is beginning to wear me down. I basically do feel worn down, and I long for a break. But not just a "Have a week off" break. A "You no longer have to worry about anything for a while" break. But that's not gonna happen. I think once the Uni applications are out of the way, I'll be alot less stressed.
On the plus side psychology is proving true, as I agreed to go with Hol to her blood test tomorrow as moral support 'coz Steve has a lesson, helping out. And it actually makes me feel better to help out! I actually want to! Go positive thinking reinforced by helping behaviour (or however they word it in the text book!) I'm certain I would have helped anyway though, I couldn't say no even if I wanted to!
Of course today's extra stress could be from my trip to Marjon's where we got the real life story of an aslyum seeker who had to burn himself all over with an iron just to stop them shipping him back before he could prove the conditions there (they were killing the returners on sight!) He only survived because of help from a friend who gave him financial backing, if he hadn't he would have been returned, which makes you think about all the people who would have been sent back to death because people fail to see what is going on! Pretty stressful to think about, especially when it has a human face.
Then we met a woman speaker, who told us about how (completely unexpectadly as she began the story about a car trip and setting up a youth centre) she was kidnapped for 14 months, beaten and raped at points! And she tells us this with a smile on her face, we were pretty stunned. She even explained about the kidnappers, and how they were so desentised by war they had been turned into the terrorists they were, and weren't just evil men. She actually sympathised with them, some were even friendly. Even the man who raped her (more than once) apprantly just thought it was what should be done because of trashy americain TV shows. (He actually showed her the TV apprantly, he couldn't quite understand why she broke down in tears at some point!) So we were left, contemplating what happened, and I didn't know how to feel. You obviously felt sorry for this woman, but you couldn't blame the kidnappers after the way she put them across, and I was, to be honest, slightly shocked and I think affected inside. Which doesn't usually happen to me. I think it was because I was caught so off-guard. It's so easy to sympathise with the horrors in the world, but its not until my eyes were opened to it I felt that horrible feeling of helplessness. I wanted it to stop, like everyone in the room, but there's sod all you can do. You can't even blame the kidnappers! You just can't do anything! And as for asylum seekers, I've never had bias views anyway, and I've wanted them to be let into the country. Hell, if it was possible, I'd want to let them all in. But this made me realise there's very little ways to help.
I think having that on my mind made me more stressed. I hate to sound like I was seriously effected, I wasn't. Just slightly on the inside. Namely because I didn't know what we were going for, and didn't even have an introduction. The woman who told us her story we were just introduced to as head of a project. We didn't know what had happened to her! The shock really did have quite an effect. An effect that'll probably wear off by tomorrow, but an effect all the same. It was, wierd, to meet someone who had gone through that. And there was nothing inside to feel to match it, there was no reaction that was appropriate, that left a funny feeling inside.
The wierd thing is it actually makes me more sympathetic to the kidnappers after her description of them and how she could literally see how they had been changed by the war from normal people. It means when hearing news reports of kidnapped victims and such, I'll feel sorry for all involved...
Enough sounding like I've just gone on a quest to find God! Conclusion: Work's lots of stuff. Human faces on things are hard to deal with. I'll cope with both. The second one will go away quickly because I know how I think, it'll just go down with the rest of life's expierences, but hopefully something I'll remember. The first won't disappear, but I hope I can get the effort back to deal with my work.
Holy Frack, this is a long blog.
And yes, I did just say Frack. I've been watching to much Battlestar Galactica....
On the plus side psychology is proving true, as I agreed to go with Hol to her blood test tomorrow as moral support 'coz Steve has a lesson, helping out. And it actually makes me feel better to help out! I actually want to! Go positive thinking reinforced by helping behaviour (or however they word it in the text book!) I'm certain I would have helped anyway though, I couldn't say no even if I wanted to!
Of course today's extra stress could be from my trip to Marjon's where we got the real life story of an aslyum seeker who had to burn himself all over with an iron just to stop them shipping him back before he could prove the conditions there (they were killing the returners on sight!) He only survived because of help from a friend who gave him financial backing, if he hadn't he would have been returned, which makes you think about all the people who would have been sent back to death because people fail to see what is going on! Pretty stressful to think about, especially when it has a human face.
Then we met a woman speaker, who told us about how (completely unexpectadly as she began the story about a car trip and setting up a youth centre) she was kidnapped for 14 months, beaten and raped at points! And she tells us this with a smile on her face, we were pretty stunned. She even explained about the kidnappers, and how they were so desentised by war they had been turned into the terrorists they were, and weren't just evil men. She actually sympathised with them, some were even friendly. Even the man who raped her (more than once) apprantly just thought it was what should be done because of trashy americain TV shows. (He actually showed her the TV apprantly, he couldn't quite understand why she broke down in tears at some point!) So we were left, contemplating what happened, and I didn't know how to feel. You obviously felt sorry for this woman, but you couldn't blame the kidnappers after the way she put them across, and I was, to be honest, slightly shocked and I think affected inside. Which doesn't usually happen to me. I think it was because I was caught so off-guard. It's so easy to sympathise with the horrors in the world, but its not until my eyes were opened to it I felt that horrible feeling of helplessness. I wanted it to stop, like everyone in the room, but there's sod all you can do. You can't even blame the kidnappers! You just can't do anything! And as for asylum seekers, I've never had bias views anyway, and I've wanted them to be let into the country. Hell, if it was possible, I'd want to let them all in. But this made me realise there's very little ways to help.
I think having that on my mind made me more stressed. I hate to sound like I was seriously effected, I wasn't. Just slightly on the inside. Namely because I didn't know what we were going for, and didn't even have an introduction. The woman who told us her story we were just introduced to as head of a project. We didn't know what had happened to her! The shock really did have quite an effect. An effect that'll probably wear off by tomorrow, but an effect all the same. It was, wierd, to meet someone who had gone through that. And there was nothing inside to feel to match it, there was no reaction that was appropriate, that left a funny feeling inside.
The wierd thing is it actually makes me more sympathetic to the kidnappers after her description of them and how she could literally see how they had been changed by the war from normal people. It means when hearing news reports of kidnapped victims and such, I'll feel sorry for all involved...
Enough sounding like I've just gone on a quest to find God! Conclusion: Work's lots of stuff. Human faces on things are hard to deal with. I'll cope with both. The second one will go away quickly because I know how I think, it'll just go down with the rest of life's expierences, but hopefully something I'll remember. The first won't disappear, but I hope I can get the effort back to deal with my work.
Holy Frack, this is a long blog.
And yes, I did just say Frack. I've been watching to much Battlestar Galactica....
posted by Li at 11:41 PM
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