I'm An Idiot
I'm not one to guess how I seem to other people, but I try my very best to make it appear that very little bothers me. I don't like having problems of my own that people have to worry about, I kind of feel it makes people concerned about me instead of worrying about themselves, so I try not to do it. I have no idea how succesful I am.
Except last night. Last night I was utterly open and said what was really bothering me, and I have been today. This Uni problem is very serious to me, it scares the hell out of me, and I don't know how I'm going to face it. So, I decided, why bother to hide it and pretend it doesn't matter, I might as well talk about it.
I'm a fucking idiot.
Apparently, Ems tried to break up with Cooper because of the thoughts me mentioning this to her led her down. Cooper and Ems almost broke up and it was all my fault. Because I broke my sacred rule and wanted to talk about what was bothering me, instead of ignoring it like I usually do. And I know it sounds it, but I'm not being melodramatic here, it was totally my fault. I can't apologise enough (not gonna stop me from trying) to Cooper and Emily for causing the problem, but you can imagine how bad I feel about it now.
I'm not sure what to do now. Since I vowed not to delete that last post, and the context of this one makes it obvious, everybody knows that going to Uni is seriously bothering me (I mean, it's logical really). And I know most people say that you should talk about your problems. But you know what? Why? Why bother? Nothing I or anybody else says will change anything, or change how I feel. Instead, I should just focus on having fun for our final days (damn, saying that really makes me sad, 'our final days', like we're being split up forever). And I shouldn't bring it up. I'm sure everybody else is feeling a similar thing anyway.
Of course, it's seriously on my mind at the moment, to the fact I feel physically ill most of the time thinking about it, so knowing me, I'll bring it up again and again, but I should try not too. It's not fair to load it on other people. So I'm sorry. Don't give me a second thought, I'm not worthy giving a damn about anyway, I'll always be alright no matter what happens, and I'm sorry to the people who had their own problems brought to the surface by what I said. I truly am a fucking idiot, but I'll do my best to not let it happen again. Sorry!
Except last night. Last night I was utterly open and said what was really bothering me, and I have been today. This Uni problem is very serious to me, it scares the hell out of me, and I don't know how I'm going to face it. So, I decided, why bother to hide it and pretend it doesn't matter, I might as well talk about it.
I'm a fucking idiot.
Apparently, Ems tried to break up with Cooper because of the thoughts me mentioning this to her led her down. Cooper and Ems almost broke up and it was all my fault. Because I broke my sacred rule and wanted to talk about what was bothering me, instead of ignoring it like I usually do. And I know it sounds it, but I'm not being melodramatic here, it was totally my fault. I can't apologise enough (not gonna stop me from trying) to Cooper and Emily for causing the problem, but you can imagine how bad I feel about it now.
I'm not sure what to do now. Since I vowed not to delete that last post, and the context of this one makes it obvious, everybody knows that going to Uni is seriously bothering me (I mean, it's logical really). And I know most people say that you should talk about your problems. But you know what? Why? Why bother? Nothing I or anybody else says will change anything, or change how I feel. Instead, I should just focus on having fun for our final days (damn, saying that really makes me sad, 'our final days', like we're being split up forever). And I shouldn't bring it up. I'm sure everybody else is feeling a similar thing anyway.
Of course, it's seriously on my mind at the moment, to the fact I feel physically ill most of the time thinking about it, so knowing me, I'll bring it up again and again, but I should try not too. It's not fair to load it on other people. So I'm sorry. Don't give me a second thought, I'm not worthy giving a damn about anyway, I'll always be alright no matter what happens, and I'm sorry to the people who had their own problems brought to the surface by what I said. I truly am a fucking idiot, but I'll do my best to not let it happen again. Sorry!
posted by Li at 1:06 AM
1 Comments:
Firstly, shut the fuck up. How many times have I talked about problems, one's which may have caused problems with other people, and you just have to think that you said what you said because you needed to. It was your way of dealing with it, and you can't take any blame for that. Secondly, you will be bloody missed, and I am annoyed that i havn't seen you much, predmoninatly my fault, and i apologise. But trust me Leigh, people do think about you, and we need to know that your ok, so tellling us your not is the easiest way for us to know.
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