It Just Hit Me
I feel selfish making this blog, considering what's going on on the other side of the world still, but it's late, and I guess I have a habit of being selfish.
I've never blogged because I can't sleep before. Until now. The truth has just hit me. The Summer is over. The schools go back today (considering it's now 2.00 am). In 18 days I leave this life behind. I was laying in bed, and I realised I simply couldn't COMPREHEND leaving all of this behind. The room I've slept in almost every night for my entire life, not living within its four walls. The house I've never left, not knowing it or seeing it. Not seeing the friends that make me feel so lucky just to have known at ease. I get home sick going away for the weekend! And in 18 days, I will leave this life behind. Sure, they'll be holiday, times we're at home, but let's not kid ourselves, it won't be the same. Marc and Pete leave before I do even. Marc and Pete who have been my friends since the youngest year of Primary School, leaving the city. Then I do it. And Cooper. We all go our seperate ways. Some people I may never even see again, people I counted as my friends in school.
Yet I still can't comprehend it. Not properly. It all comes back to the room. Imagining being in a different room with a different city and nobody I know around. It'll never be the same. I'll never be able to relax like I do around you guys. Never feel as free, and never feel the same. Never will I be as carefree, jobless, worryless, not a care in a world, but that's going to be gone in 18 days. 18 days!? That'll fly by like it doesn't exist. I can see it like it's tomorrow, looking upon this house for the last time as a home, a true home, and leaving it.
I don't know if anybody else feels like I do. I've always had the problem of becoming VERY attached to things, to life in general, but right now I can barely imagine facing it. True, I'm tired, and that obviously affects judgement, but I think I'm just being honest for once. Too often I won't say what's bothering me, I don't like discussing it, and I certainly don't like writing a whiny blog, but this time I've decided to say it. To come out and admit it. This is how I feel. I'm very scared, and it's not easy to admit that. To the extent I've considered more than once NOT going to Uni, starting a different life, staying here, but I know I have to go. It's a chance for something good, to become something good, but I leave so much behind it's so dammed frightening.
Never sleeping in this room again, not as MY room, not as MY home, but as a home and a room I get to return to occasionally. You guys being the guys I get to see occasionally, where we'll just remember all the good times. The thousands of them. Every moment that's passed where we had fun together, everything we've done over the years.
Seven years has gone so fast.
Sorry for the melodramatic song lyrics, but it kinda sums it up. I normally try to be optimistic, or I try to act bravely, like it doesn't phase me. Lord knows it usually works, I recall a time somebody told me "It won't bother you" because I obviously came off as somebody who didn't care too much about the setting I was in. But I do. More than people can imagine. To the extent I am scared to death literally (it's the sick feeling in my gut keeping me awake) of leaving. Pathetic? Maybe. But it's true. I'm being honest for once. Furthermore, I vow not to delete this post, because I know I'll want to in the morning. But it can stay. Just so people know how I feel.
And yes, I know I'm being selfish. I'm one of the few who's leaving, alot of you get to live on here, at least for a while. Sure, it'll be different for a lot of you without people like me, Cooper, Pete and Marc around, but it won't be the end. You're lives will be pretty similar, but ours are going to change dramatically. I mean, I don't even know the first thing about so much. Cooking? I can cook about five or six different meals, and just about work a microwave. Shopping? No idea what kind of things to buy or where it's cheapest to get them. And bills and things? Not a clue.
Me and Boote had a comical argument about how I was naive (or not, as was my case). But thinking about it, I guess I am kinda naive. Sheltered to how to live in the real world. I don't know how I'm gonna face it, but frankly it scares the shit out of me. And the summer is over, totally wasted. No movie, no DVD, like I wished. It's gone. Over. Finished. And I fucking wasted it. I was ill for a week, and I didn't come out, I didn't see you guys, because of it. What the fuck was I thinking!? This is the end of everything we've had together, and I wasted it!
I could go on for hours, repeating myself, whining, but I'm going to shut up. I feel you kind of get my emotions from this post. You get what I'm feeling. And you get me being melodramatic as well. Will I regret this in the morning? Yes. I don't like people knowing how I actually feel. I'm not sure why, I just don't. Like I'm vulnerable, or like they think less of me, or something. Understandable, really, I must sound like such a wuss. But at least you'll know how I feel, if anybody made it this far through such a long post. You guys rule, and are the best friends I could ever wish for. There's no way in hell I'll be able to replace you. Maybe that's part of the reason I'm so scared.
Anyway, I'm going to shut up. I guess now you know slightly more about me.
But to end such a lengthy post, I felt like stealing a quote. One that kind of applies to all of us. It's corny, and stolen from an obvious source, but it works, for me at least.
To eternal friendship, it shall never fall,
All for one, and one for all.
I've never blogged because I can't sleep before. Until now. The truth has just hit me. The Summer is over. The schools go back today (considering it's now 2.00 am). In 18 days I leave this life behind. I was laying in bed, and I realised I simply couldn't COMPREHEND leaving all of this behind. The room I've slept in almost every night for my entire life, not living within its four walls. The house I've never left, not knowing it or seeing it. Not seeing the friends that make me feel so lucky just to have known at ease. I get home sick going away for the weekend! And in 18 days, I will leave this life behind. Sure, they'll be holiday, times we're at home, but let's not kid ourselves, it won't be the same. Marc and Pete leave before I do even. Marc and Pete who have been my friends since the youngest year of Primary School, leaving the city. Then I do it. And Cooper. We all go our seperate ways. Some people I may never even see again, people I counted as my friends in school.
Yet I still can't comprehend it. Not properly. It all comes back to the room. Imagining being in a different room with a different city and nobody I know around. It'll never be the same. I'll never be able to relax like I do around you guys. Never feel as free, and never feel the same. Never will I be as carefree, jobless, worryless, not a care in a world, but that's going to be gone in 18 days. 18 days!? That'll fly by like it doesn't exist. I can see it like it's tomorrow, looking upon this house for the last time as a home, a true home, and leaving it.
I don't know if anybody else feels like I do. I've always had the problem of becoming VERY attached to things, to life in general, but right now I can barely imagine facing it. True, I'm tired, and that obviously affects judgement, but I think I'm just being honest for once. Too often I won't say what's bothering me, I don't like discussing it, and I certainly don't like writing a whiny blog, but this time I've decided to say it. To come out and admit it. This is how I feel. I'm very scared, and it's not easy to admit that. To the extent I've considered more than once NOT going to Uni, starting a different life, staying here, but I know I have to go. It's a chance for something good, to become something good, but I leave so much behind it's so dammed frightening.
Never sleeping in this room again, not as MY room, not as MY home, but as a home and a room I get to return to occasionally. You guys being the guys I get to see occasionally, where we'll just remember all the good times. The thousands of them. Every moment that's passed where we had fun together, everything we've done over the years.
Seven years has gone so fast.
Sorry for the melodramatic song lyrics, but it kinda sums it up. I normally try to be optimistic, or I try to act bravely, like it doesn't phase me. Lord knows it usually works, I recall a time somebody told me "It won't bother you" because I obviously came off as somebody who didn't care too much about the setting I was in. But I do. More than people can imagine. To the extent I am scared to death literally (it's the sick feeling in my gut keeping me awake) of leaving. Pathetic? Maybe. But it's true. I'm being honest for once. Furthermore, I vow not to delete this post, because I know I'll want to in the morning. But it can stay. Just so people know how I feel.
And yes, I know I'm being selfish. I'm one of the few who's leaving, alot of you get to live on here, at least for a while. Sure, it'll be different for a lot of you without people like me, Cooper, Pete and Marc around, but it won't be the end. You're lives will be pretty similar, but ours are going to change dramatically. I mean, I don't even know the first thing about so much. Cooking? I can cook about five or six different meals, and just about work a microwave. Shopping? No idea what kind of things to buy or where it's cheapest to get them. And bills and things? Not a clue.
Me and Boote had a comical argument about how I was naive (or not, as was my case). But thinking about it, I guess I am kinda naive. Sheltered to how to live in the real world. I don't know how I'm gonna face it, but frankly it scares the shit out of me. And the summer is over, totally wasted. No movie, no DVD, like I wished. It's gone. Over. Finished. And I fucking wasted it. I was ill for a week, and I didn't come out, I didn't see you guys, because of it. What the fuck was I thinking!? This is the end of everything we've had together, and I wasted it!
I could go on for hours, repeating myself, whining, but I'm going to shut up. I feel you kind of get my emotions from this post. You get what I'm feeling. And you get me being melodramatic as well. Will I regret this in the morning? Yes. I don't like people knowing how I actually feel. I'm not sure why, I just don't. Like I'm vulnerable, or like they think less of me, or something. Understandable, really, I must sound like such a wuss. But at least you'll know how I feel, if anybody made it this far through such a long post. You guys rule, and are the best friends I could ever wish for. There's no way in hell I'll be able to replace you. Maybe that's part of the reason I'm so scared.
Anyway, I'm going to shut up. I guess now you know slightly more about me.
But to end such a lengthy post, I felt like stealing a quote. One that kind of applies to all of us. It's corny, and stolen from an obvious source, but it works, for me at least.
To eternal friendship, it shall never fall,
All for one, and one for all.
posted by Li at 1:57 AM
2 Comments:
Right now I'm in the middle of washing a mountain of dishes. It was my Nan's birthday last night and lots of everything was used it seems. But after that I'm going to come out and find Mr Li. And hopefully have a nice little mini adventure. And we'll get the dvd done. And we'll have a good last few weeks. I've decided.
I didnt join u and i regret that immensely. We need to do something big before oyu lot leave, or alternatively just do a lot of little things.
you will be missed leigh, but be yourself, and you'll make new friends in no time
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