Attitudes: A Big Self Centered Whiny Rant (Please Ignore, I'll Regret Posting This Very Soon)
Lately I've found myself running into more and more people, naturally, having moved to Uni and started all over again, basically. And I can't help but get an overall feeling out of most of the people I run into, nobody seems to actually like me. In fact, I get the feeling most people quite severly dislike me. Which is obviously not good for me. Most people back in Plymouth who got to know me liked me, but that's because they knew what I was like at the core, and it had taken a long time. My friends (ie: you guys reading this most probably) knew who I was, and what my attitudes were, but it had taken seven years. I'd proven I was worth putting up with by helping out and trying to be there for people. At least, that's why I feel I was liked. Here it's different. People don't know me. They don't know how I feel in my heart, and probably never will. And on the outside, I'm just an annoying twat nobody likes. Just about everybody I meet I feel dislikes me, and would prefer it if I wasn't around.
I mean, it's easy to understand, on the outside when you meet me, there's nothing to like. I have the tendency to talk about myself, seeming vain and self centered, not caring about anybody else, and I can sound quite arrogant. And then I don't share the same values as a lot of people (not drinking, not really liking clubbing etc.) and so I fall further still. The first impression people get of me means there's nothing to like. So I'm not liked. Simple. The result is that I have a lot of people who dislike me, and it really upsets me. Because I feel if I'm not being a good enough person for people to like me, then I'm valueless. If I'm not being the right person, a person people can depend on and like, then why am I person at all?
At the moment I feel I can walk away from Uni never to return and nobody here would bat an eyelash. Nobody would miss me (well, one or two maybe if I'm very lucky). Hell, some people would probably be quite glad I was gone. So the only person I'm any value to is myself. And when I'm only valuable to me, I'm not valuable to me at all because it means I'm worthless to me.
So right now I end up hating who I am, and wishing I could come across differently, hell, wishing I could be different. But I can't change who I am, not enough, and not without lying. Maybe it's that I dunno what I need to change. Or hell, maybe I'm paranoid and imagined this whole thing. That's a distinct possibility.
Oh, and I'm aware this sounds like a whole self pity rant. I mean, technically speaking it IS, but your all under strict orders not to give me any sympathy posts, this is me, whining. You shouldn't give whiners attention, remember that! Plus I don't deserve sympathy for a long whine over what may very well be me being paranoid, or the fact that it's an inevitability some people won't like you and there's nothing you can do about it, so it's pointless.
Of course, it may be arrogant of me to assume anybody would want to give me sympathy. (See, this is how I come across as arrogant...).
Anyway, that's how I feel right now. I'm tired, which influences judgement (generally making me depressed), and possibly just being paranoid, but this is just the feeling I get. I don't even think I described it very well. But hell, it's up there. On my blog.
I need to buy a personal journal for this kind of thing.
I mean, it's easy to understand, on the outside when you meet me, there's nothing to like. I have the tendency to talk about myself, seeming vain and self centered, not caring about anybody else, and I can sound quite arrogant. And then I don't share the same values as a lot of people (not drinking, not really liking clubbing etc.) and so I fall further still. The first impression people get of me means there's nothing to like. So I'm not liked. Simple. The result is that I have a lot of people who dislike me, and it really upsets me. Because I feel if I'm not being a good enough person for people to like me, then I'm valueless. If I'm not being the right person, a person people can depend on and like, then why am I person at all?
At the moment I feel I can walk away from Uni never to return and nobody here would bat an eyelash. Nobody would miss me (well, one or two maybe if I'm very lucky). Hell, some people would probably be quite glad I was gone. So the only person I'm any value to is myself. And when I'm only valuable to me, I'm not valuable to me at all because it means I'm worthless to me.
So right now I end up hating who I am, and wishing I could come across differently, hell, wishing I could be different. But I can't change who I am, not enough, and not without lying. Maybe it's that I dunno what I need to change. Or hell, maybe I'm paranoid and imagined this whole thing. That's a distinct possibility.
Oh, and I'm aware this sounds like a whole self pity rant. I mean, technically speaking it IS, but your all under strict orders not to give me any sympathy posts, this is me, whining. You shouldn't give whiners attention, remember that! Plus I don't deserve sympathy for a long whine over what may very well be me being paranoid, or the fact that it's an inevitability some people won't like you and there's nothing you can do about it, so it's pointless.
Of course, it may be arrogant of me to assume anybody would want to give me sympathy. (See, this is how I come across as arrogant...).
Anyway, that's how I feel right now. I'm tired, which influences judgement (generally making me depressed), and possibly just being paranoid, but this is just the feeling I get. I don't even think I described it very well. But hell, it's up there. On my blog.
I need to buy a personal journal for this kind of thing.
posted by Li at 10:07 PM
3 Comments:
at least you didn't get attacked by custard.
But seriously I kinda know how u mean. i think its probably less to do with dislikingyou and more to do with them wishing they had their old friends, at least thats how some people appear to me. I dunno. Also you get no sympathy from me cas i know u're amazin and people probably do like u. Also pigeons.
shut up fool, mr t wouldnt take this jibba jabba and neither will i. Ok, so im messing around, but seriously leigh, you've given me enough advice before so this is me returning favour. Firstly, listen to Coop, yu've been away a whiel now, every1's prob slightly homesick, and change in lifestlyes often make people quite inward in their attitudes. Secondly, listen ot your own positive attitudes, you are who you are and have no reason to change. Seriously mate, your one of the most decent fun guys i ever met, and although you may not totally feel it, id be surprised if any1 did dislike you, no, shocked if any1 did dislike you, so keep your chin up, and things will look better in the morniing, they always do! gimme a ring anytim mate, ttyl baird!
Well seeing they like rap them not liking you might be a compliment! But it's probably just you being home sick, missing us all and generally not really noticing that the friendship we show towards you is going to be much stronger than someone you haven't really gotten to know yet. You'll be fine and dandy!
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