The Leigh Valentine 2005 Movie Awards
Well, I'm training to be a film critic, among other things now, so I figured it was time to award the best achievments of 2005 cinema. However, this will not be done in the usual style, oh no. Too many awards are simply for 'best picture', or 'best actor/actress', no, I'm going to cover the equally important to film making, yet often overlooked aspects. So, to begin with, I present the highly respected Best Film Of 2005 To Feature A Beaver In Chain Mail Armour award. As usual, the stakes for this award were high, with many excellent entries, but the winner is...
The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe. We've all seen those epic before-the-battle shots before, and by now audiences are bored of them. Thus, when we got a long pan shot of all the combatants before the battle, it was plain boring, and the shots of the leaders looking grim, again, boring, we'd seen it all before. But when one of them was a beaver in chain mail armour, well, that made the movie. Hence, this film has clearly earnt this award.
Next up, Best Film of 2005 To Be Spoilt By Somebody In The Audience Muttering 'Arr, It's A Big Crab Like Thing'. War of the Worlds manages to just take this award, despite close competition from....urr.....can I finish this sentance now? A moment on the ferry departing the main land is both dramatic and horrifying as a massive alien tripod rises from the water before our heroes, only to be totally ruined if somebody labels it 'a big crab like thing' in the middle of the shot. Yet it's still hilarious!
Now onto the highly debated Best Delivery Of The Line "They Should Have Killed Me When They Had The Chance". Sin City wins this hands down. Our hero, Marv, is suddenly stormed and shot a grand total (approximately) of twelve times. The audience pauses in shock. Did they just kill the main character? We didn't see that one coming! But oh no, a timely delviery of the line 'They should have killed me when they had the chance' informs us that twelve bullets are not enough to kill somebody. I'm glad they cleared that one up.
The Film To Feature The Creepiest Bugs of 2005 goes to King Kong, which had crazy creepy giant bugs and huge leeches. Although it's a mystery what that many leeches that size could possibly leech off of, since they lived in a canyon filled with only bugs, but still. They were creepy. Thus they win this award.
Most Ridiculous Combat Location is awared to Revenge of the Sith, for the fight on two pieces of metal floating on LAVA on which our two combatents comfortably stand. But never fear, there is a faint blue glow around them, clearly protecting our heros from the burning lava! Thank god for that, who knew glowing blue could save you from such things? What was a lava planet doing anyway? Why was there a base there? Apparently robots were mining the lava. Why!? What possibly for!? It makes no sense!
Ahem. Now onto a new award for this year (whatcha mean 'they're all new'!?), but one that was very difficult to give to the correct movie; The Best Use Of A Small Garden Gate To Foil Evil Space Aliens. This goes to The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy, the film that had a random action packed climax in which locking a garden gate from the other side foiled the evil space aliens, not that they were a match for the towel belonging to our heroes anyway. Fantastic delivery, almost completely missed, yet hilarious. Really saved the film from shocking mediocricy.
And now, the Most Disappointing Film of 2005. Sadly, this goes to Batman Begins, for niether featuring the lines "To the batmobile!" or "Holy Hole in a Donut Batman!". Hopefully, if there is a sequel (called what? Batman Continues? Batman Continues Beginning? Batman Begins Some More?), these shocking oversites will be rectified.
And so ends the awards, in which I feel we cover some vital areas often missed by Hollywood, but luckily given their due credit here. Stupid fools. One day they'll learn for not acknowledging beavers in chain mail! One day!
The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe. We've all seen those epic before-the-battle shots before, and by now audiences are bored of them. Thus, when we got a long pan shot of all the combatants before the battle, it was plain boring, and the shots of the leaders looking grim, again, boring, we'd seen it all before. But when one of them was a beaver in chain mail armour, well, that made the movie. Hence, this film has clearly earnt this award.
Next up, Best Film of 2005 To Be Spoilt By Somebody In The Audience Muttering 'Arr, It's A Big Crab Like Thing'. War of the Worlds manages to just take this award, despite close competition from....urr.....can I finish this sentance now? A moment on the ferry departing the main land is both dramatic and horrifying as a massive alien tripod rises from the water before our heroes, only to be totally ruined if somebody labels it 'a big crab like thing' in the middle of the shot. Yet it's still hilarious!
Now onto the highly debated Best Delivery Of The Line "They Should Have Killed Me When They Had The Chance". Sin City wins this hands down. Our hero, Marv, is suddenly stormed and shot a grand total (approximately) of twelve times. The audience pauses in shock. Did they just kill the main character? We didn't see that one coming! But oh no, a timely delviery of the line 'They should have killed me when they had the chance' informs us that twelve bullets are not enough to kill somebody. I'm glad they cleared that one up.
The Film To Feature The Creepiest Bugs of 2005 goes to King Kong, which had crazy creepy giant bugs and huge leeches. Although it's a mystery what that many leeches that size could possibly leech off of, since they lived in a canyon filled with only bugs, but still. They were creepy. Thus they win this award.
Most Ridiculous Combat Location is awared to Revenge of the Sith, for the fight on two pieces of metal floating on LAVA on which our two combatents comfortably stand. But never fear, there is a faint blue glow around them, clearly protecting our heros from the burning lava! Thank god for that, who knew glowing blue could save you from such things? What was a lava planet doing anyway? Why was there a base there? Apparently robots were mining the lava. Why!? What possibly for!? It makes no sense!
Ahem. Now onto a new award for this year (whatcha mean 'they're all new'!?), but one that was very difficult to give to the correct movie; The Best Use Of A Small Garden Gate To Foil Evil Space Aliens. This goes to The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy, the film that had a random action packed climax in which locking a garden gate from the other side foiled the evil space aliens, not that they were a match for the towel belonging to our heroes anyway. Fantastic delivery, almost completely missed, yet hilarious. Really saved the film from shocking mediocricy.
And now, the Most Disappointing Film of 2005. Sadly, this goes to Batman Begins, for niether featuring the lines "To the batmobile!" or "Holy Hole in a Donut
And so ends the awards, in which I feel we cover some vital areas often missed by Hollywood, but luckily given their due credit here. Stupid fools. One day they'll learn for not acknowledging beavers in chain mail! One day!
posted by Li at 2:27 PM
3 Comments:
I really look forward to seeing Batman Begins Some More....
And, yaaay! Narnia on the 26th!!!!
Btw, what saved Hitchhiker's from being...urr...bad...iiiis a dolphin! No! Many dolphins! (The beginning. Thanks for all the fish and ........BYE!)
this really was the best awards ever, so thanks loadsa loadsa loads. Kick ass etc, and all the rest.
I think this draws our attension to why hollywood hasn't used these catagories before V_V.
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