Growing Up Sucks

I was reading someone's old blog, and something occured to me. Growing up sucks.

A few years ago, back in Sixth Form, everybody was so much a part of everybody's lives it seemed incomprehensible that we could ever be anything but. I actually remembering thinking how, when people 'grew up' (I mean, we all considered ourselves grown up by then anyway, but you know what I mean) and got jobs and such how I couldn't understand what happened to their friends, or why those people seemed to lose contact. I always thought that those people were just really boring, and that it'd never happen to us.

Sure, that was before university, which taught us all we had to move on, but still. It occured to me that we're still all very close friends, but that we'll never recapture those days when we saw each other every single day, to the extent we were just an accepted part of each other's lives. We never had to arrange anything to see everybody, because we just did.

I never thought there'd be days where I'd get home from work and skip out on things. But it happens. And I never thought I could go so long without seeing any friends. But again, it happens.

You grow up. Growing up means spending long amounts of time just working. Growing up means those times when it seems like there's not a lot in the world apart from your job.

But the scary part, is growing up is not caring. I remember going on holiday to Spain when I was 17 for two weeks in the summer and it seeming so wierd to not see any of my friends for that long. Now, two weeks is a short time between seeing friends, even the ones in Plymouth. (Well, it's about average). And it's normal. You just, accept it. Sure, you don't LIKE it, knowing you're missing out because you're at work, but you accept it because it's normal. It's life. It's ordinary.

Which ends up feeling very strange when I go back and look at those old blog posts...

World Tour

Things Guitar Hero World Tour Has Improved:

- Character customisation

-Song customisation

-Instrument customisation

-The ability to play a second note while playing the first

-The ability to use a fret board to play notes

-Band animations

Things Guitar Hero World Tour Has Improved That I Actually Care About:

I'm no Superman

Making Scrubs analogies just because I now work in a hospital isn't something that comes naturally. You see, Scrubs is about doctors (trainee or otherwise). Once you get into a hospital, you realise just how many people do how many jobs and that actually the life of a doctor is very very different from the life of anybody else. (To the extent I actually feel sometimes Scrubs would work better if they were health care assistants, but that really only works if you know how hospitals work).

So for me to relate to Scrubs is a little like the bloke who does the staff rotas for the filing section of the prison block on the Death Star relating to Star Wars.

But that said, there was a moment for me the other day that made me think of it. You see, first days at a new job and all are full of a lot of things. I usually take them quite light hearted, it's the only time the work load is light (because you don't know what you're doing) and jokes help you ease you in with your new collegues. At the same time though, it'd been very surreal. Derriford Hospital is big. 6500 staff members, give or take. Try learning all of their names. 12 levels. (But no level 1, for some reason, just 2 onwards... I'm betting on some secret Intitiative style base down there, which in my head could even lead to a Scrubs style cutaway). So it had also been a bit surreal.

Surreal but lighthearted. And then you get the Scrubs moment. That moment where through all the comedies and laughs and strangeness you're suddenly reminded you work in a hospital. For me, it was when I just casually asked what a sheet I had to put in a record file meant. (Turns out it marked the patient out as a cancer patient, hence why it hit me). For J.D. and co, they usually lose a patient. So we're still talking Vader to Death Star Admin Guy here, but you get the idea. At least I didn't launch into an obnoxious narration over a cheesy montage, but hey, that's the one bit of Scrubs that pisses me off.

Working in a hospital is obviously morbid. People die all the time there and the hospital has to be prepared. I work next to the chapel, for example. There are posters up to help people who know they're going to die to cope. There's a ''free worship' room too that any religion can use, which is nice, since the chapel is very Christian. But also admin people have to carry out all those little jobs. If someone dies, somebody has to cancel that person's appointments. It sounds ridiculous, but it has to be done. Someone has to update their records on the system too. People die and there are all these little tasks people just do daily. I don't have to do that, luckily, but I've been trained in how to decease people on the records. Which even in practice gives you a chill. You have a name and a date of birth and you have to realise that person has just lived their life and lost it.

Still though, it's nice to be doing a job where I know my roll is doing some good, no matter how small. Beats being a salesman.

Retrun of the Old Serials!

Regular readers of my blog (which are, coincidencially, the only readers of my blog) will probably not remember until I remind them with this sentence that a while back I decided to do a few blog posts mocking old Doctor Who serials. The reason being I like Doctor Who, but wow, is it sometimes crap.

Last time though, I was picking on the old 60's serials. And maybe that was a bit mean, because everybody knows science didn't exist in the 1960's so it was perfectly acceptable for people to make plots that involve aliens planning to turn the planet Earth into a spaceship for no apparent reason. In fact, picking on a BBC serial from the 60's is just a little bit mean. We're talking an era where they had such little budget they had to tape over last week's episode just to film it because they didn't have enough tapes. I mean, when they went to the producers and said 'we want to make an episode where the Daleks conquer Earth in the far flung future, can we have some more budget' the producers must have replied 'sure, here's a tenner and a digestive biscuit'. And yet those 60's serials still tried. They never wimped out and gave us budget saving episodes. Everything was always over the top and grand. Even today, most TV shows wouldn't try to pull off an entire planet that's been conquered by a mavolent alien race, complete with flying saucers and heat rays and thousands of robotic warriors. But in the 60's, they did everything basically, and bad resolution, black and white tele and the fact most people didn't know any better did the work and they got away with it.

This time, we're going into the far flung future of 1981, because Doctor Who didn't improve, it got worse. At least the old 60's serials were fun, in a hilarious way.

Recently, David Tennant announced he was leaving the show, and I thought, being a fan, it'd be good to watch the departure of Tom Baker, to get an idea of how they previously handled such a popular incarnation of the character leaving. I didn't expect much, but thought at least we'd get a fun adventure big on imagination but low on budget (which might as well be the BBC's motto; 'ambitious but rubbish'... oh, wait). What I got was a serial called Logopolis, an adventure as pointless and ridiculous as its title.

While the 60's managed to scrape by their ridiculous concepts by maxamising their resources ('oh, those rocks will do for an alien planet') someone somewhere got their priorities very wrong on this particular adventure. For example, when the script actually called for some rocks, we get...



I mean, how hard was it to go outside, and find some rocks? I mean, hey, they seem to do it in every other episode when they need an alien planet! Were rocks particularly scarce in 1981? Who here decided, 'oh, I know what, let's make it out of polystyrene!'. What's worse is how you hear it squeak as they try to walk on it. Really, 1980's BBC, next time you need some rocks, ask me, I'm sure I can find you some!

Now, I'm not going to just post screenshots of bad special effects and mock them. That'll come later. Firstly, I'm actually going to try and summarise the plot. Bare with me, because this is so stupid it's going to get painful.

In the previous serial, the Master, the arch-enemy of the Doctor, returned, sat in a chair for a bit, and then got killed off screen by some techno-babble. Obviously, considering he died with nobody seeing him die and there was no body he's definitely Dead Forever and therefore everybody saunters off happily. Everybody being the Doctor and his infuriatingly annoying young male companion, who's only calling appears to be to be good at maths and wear pajamas as his everyday clothes. Rather than confirm his arch-enemy is indeed dead, and say, not still alive (for no apparent reason of course, why explain how he survived?), the Doctor instead decides...to fix the ability of the TARDIS to shapeshift.

Okay, I think. Fair enough. I suppose it's a little bit like deciding to finally put a shelf up to take your mind off things. Except who actually does that? Anyway, the Doctor decides that the only way to do this is to materialise the TARDIS around a real police box so he can measure it and then take the measurements to The Planet of Maths. I know 'theme' planets are popular in sci-fi, 'Snow Planets', 'Forest Planets', etc., but a Maths Planet!? It's like something from my worse nightmares (except in that nightmare Dr McCann is the planet's king).

Naturally, this takes up two minutes of the opening episode before they get into the real adventure and was just a plot device to land them in the right place. Oh, wait. No, actually it takes up the entire first episode. Yes, the first episode of the death of Tom Baker, the most population incarnation of a very popular character, is spent measuring things. But it's not all boring! Because we have regular cuts to a seemingly random air hostess....changing a tire.

I swear, I'm not making this up.

Okay, so the air hostess eventually stumbles into the TARDIS and becomes a main character, but still. Anyway, so it turns out the police box they materialised around is already a TARDIS, and belongs to the Master! This was a cunning trap to get a TARDIS inside a TARDIS which for some reason causes some problems that they never really explain and just spend a lot of time worrying about and then forget! Dastardly. Anyway, apparently if you walk inside a TARDIS inside a TARDIS you're then back inside the original TARDIS at the door, and it just loops going on forever. I'm not sure how that works, but since I got an F in TARDIS Space Time Physics I guess I'll just have to accept it. I'd of thought you'd just, y'know, end up inside the second TARDIS and everything would be fine.

And yes, I realise how geeky that paragraph is because I keep insisting to captalise TARDIS.

Anyway, so they abandon their trip to the Planet of Maths (there was much rejoicing!) because it's far too dangerous to go there with the Master on board (maybe he hates maths as much as me) and come up with by far the best plan in the history of fantastic plans. You see, the Master has dematerliased his TARDIS somewhere else in their TARDIS and they can't find it, so they need to draw him out. The Doctor develops a brilliant plan. He will materialise the TARDIS underwater, open the doors, and flood the Master out!

Again, I'm really, honestly not making this up.

He asks his young companion 'can you swim?'. A better question might have been 'can you breathe underwater?'. Or 'Are all these computer systems water proof?'. Or 'Surely the Master will just sit inside his TARDIS with the doors closed and be fine?'. But still. So, they intiate Plan Awesome. Except, when they open the doors, there's no water!

'Oh, the budget's run out' I thought. Oh no. Because....

...they missed!

Again, I'm not making this up. It turns out they were going to land in the Thames but missed and landed on a barge. Apparently, they can afford a boat on the Thames but not some rocks. Go figure. Still, don't worry! Surely they can just move a few meters to the left and continue with Plan Awesome, right?

Except, no. Apparently, plans foiled, they forget about this idea. Urr, okay. Maybe they finally realised they were being retarded beyond belief.

And then things change, because a random bloke in white sheets appears on a bridge, and waves to them! (This bloke has been in a few scenes, just randomly standing there, to which nobody has said anything).

The Doctor finally spots him and goes to tell him he looks ridiculous. Or at least, that's what I assume he said, as I can't imagine he'd say anything else to him. He goes off, does that, comes back, and decides they have to go to the Planet of Maths. Yes, that planet that they decided in the last scene it'd be far far too dangerous to go to with the Master.

They arrive on the Planet of Maths, where people are so good at maths they can make anything they want happen by chanting 'maths' at it. Which actually means mumbling random gibberish. Apparently science hadn't been invented in 1981 either because nobody was aware this idea was retarded as well. On top of that, for some reason on the Planet of Maths there is a replica of the 'Pharos Project', which is apparently a ginormous satellite used to try and contact alien races on Earth. Y'know the type, where people waste billions on sending out messages to try and find aliesn and never find anything. Either way, according to my attempts to find out about it bringing me back to only information on Doctor Who, I assume it's not real which makes it a little bit more bizarre than it already is. These aliens have a replica of a non-existant Earth satellite dish on their Planet of Maths. The characters spot it, mention it once, then carry on as if it's not there...

We're not given an explanation for its presence when they spot it, of course.

Anyway, we get them wondering around and talking about maths for a good long while (exciting final adventure this), while we get random shots of the Master stood around laughing. That's all he does. He just stands there and laughs. Nobody says anything to him. I assume they just think he's some drunk hobo and that they had better not disturb him. He just randomly appears in bizarre corners cackling.

Eventually, he reveals himself, and puts the entire Planet of Maths into stasis! This is after a completely pointless plan to shrink the TARDIS and kill the Doctor by, well, making him small I guess. It might seem stupid but throughout the episode they find corpses that look like this:

Yes, apparently the Master kills people by turning them into little dolls. Anyway, so he holds the Planet of Maths to ransom by putting it in stasis for whatever reason he'd do a thing like that. Personally I think he was there to demand maths be stricken from the national curriculum. But suddenly he's told he's been a fool because the Planet of Maths was vital for the safety of the universe! He claims this is bullshit, naturally, and proves it by deactivating his stasis field. Which is a bit like holding someone hostage and then when they say 'I promise I won't call the cops if you let me go' you go 'I bet you will, watch, I'll let you go and prove it'. Anyway, it's revealed that the purpose of the Pharos Project on the Planet of Maths is to....hold the entire universe together.

So, hang on, let's recap. The Planet of Maths has a replica of an Earth satellite designed purely to monitor space transmissions in the hope of contacting alien life and having this somehow allows them to hold the entire universe together? Apparently, the universe is older than anybody thought and long ago would have died from heat death had it not been for the Planet of Maths constant chanting. Oops, says the Master, and they come up with a plan to save the universe.

Yep, they join forces. A good part of Tom Baker's final story is spent working with his arch enemy. Anyway, the Planet of Maths is destroyed as 'entropy' spreads across the universe (and there was much rejoicing!) meaning the only place such technology exists to save the universe now is.... Earth. Yes, apparently the big satellite contains more advanced technology than a time machine that's bigger on the inside than the outside and powered by a black hole. Sure. Whatever.

So they go there, which cuts to some hilarious scenes where they run around avoiding security guards in their ridiculous costumes, looking so out of place you don't even need the camp 80's chase music to make it funny. Eventually, they climb the tower, spout some techno babble and build a machine that as long as it's kept connected will stop the entropy spreading throughout the universe and save the day.

It's worth pointing out this is after a scene portrays a third of the universe being destroyed. I like to point that out because as far as I'm aware of it gives the Master the biggest most evil act in fictionlised history. It also makes that part in new Doctor Who where David Tennant tells the Master 'I forgive you' hilarious because you'd think if anything was going to be unforgiveable destroying a THIRD OF THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE would be it.

Anyway, sit tight, we're almost done. The Master suddenly reveals he's been evil all along (shocking, I know) and that now he holds the power to rule the universe, because if they don't obey him, he can disconnect the device and blow up the entire universe. Hilariously, he uses the Pharos Project to send out his message of universal domination. Given that (according to the story) people have been trying to use it for decades to contact just one alien and failing why he seems to think his message will get to the entire universe (he even starts it with 'peoples of the universe, please attend carefully...') is a mystery.

So the Doctor replies 'You only have that power as long as that cable stays connected!'. Apparently he's forgotten that that's the whole point, and if you disconnect the cable the universe will blow up. But don't worry, because so have the writers. So the Doctor makes a last ditch effort to crawl out onto the radio dish and pull out the cable to save the universe from the Master. The Master begins to rotate the dish so he falls off. Which leads to the most hilarious scene in the entire thing.

The Doctor clings to the rotating bridge part of the dish, which is just really bad polystrene rotating slowly on a cut out background which is totally out of proportion with what's going on. It looks about as dangerous as falling off a kerb. But that's not the funny bit. The funny bit is the Master in the background.

There he is, look, cackling. Except, he's not. The thing is, and you can only really see this when it's moving (at which point it's obvious), he's a cardboard cut out. He doesn't move at all. There's just a cardboard cut out of him grinning there in the background as the Doctor fights for his life. Why they could afford a cardboard cut out of an actor they actually had on set anyway but not some rocks, I don't know, but it's pretty damn funny.

The Doctor manages to pull out the cable but falls to his death, having visions of villains from other, better episodes taunting him as he does so. Which actually works pretty well, because it reminds you after this 'epic adventure' this character is supposed to have stopped all kinds of evil plots and toppled villains with better plans than turning people into dolls.

Anyway, so the Doctor lies there dying and Captain Sheets shows up again. Leading to a character exclaiming 'so he was the Doctor all the time!', as opposed to the more realistic 'hey, why's there a random guy in sheets over there?'. Anyway, so Captain Sheets walks into the Doctor and he regenerates. There's no real explanation as to what they meant or who he was or why he was there but hey, that's the least of the problems.

So, the Fourth Doctor dies saving at least two thirds of the universe by pulling out a cable and then falling off a bad special effect. Although, hey, at least they can use this to prepare for David Tennant's departure. They can look at this and then go 'hey, let's do the exact opposite' and it should be great.

I'm also aware I've just written probably my longest blog ever on Doctor Who and since I'm the only one who likes it that means nobody will make it this far except for me. I'm also aware that this entire blog could be replaced by '1980's sci-fi is rubbish, especially if made by the BBC', which in itself doesn't need to be said. If you did make it this far, well....

I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.

Stupid Customer Comments: A Potential Book

Salesmen have a rough time. They have to sell a lot of crap and convince you it's a good idea. They have to be prepared to be treated like slime by everybody they meet and still try to convince you to take an insurance scheme or cover plan. But sometimes, just sometimes, a real gem from a customer brightens up their day...

***

A customer is buying a £49.99 telephone set.

Salesman: "Okay sir, we offer on that one an instant replacement. It's £9.99 and will cover you for three years, saying we'll do a straight swap for a brand new one if it breaks."
Customer: "No thanks, it'll be cheaper to buy a new phone."
Salesman: "The phone is £49.99, sir."
Customer: "Yeah."
Salesman: "The instant replacement is only ten pounds..."
Customer: "No, no. Not interested. It's still cheaper to just buy a new one."
Salesman: "..."

***

An old lady, and her middle aged daughter, are buying a small television set. The transaction is being put through on a computer monitor.

Old Lady: "Hold on! I thought the television was black!"
Salesman: "...I'm sorry?"
Daughter: "No, Mum, that's the computer monitor. That is the television you're buying."
Old Lady: "Oh, okay."
Salesman: "Right. I just need to take some-"
Old Lady: "Why's it gone blue!? I thought it was black!"
Daughter: "No, Mum, that's a computer monitor."
Old Lady: "But I want a black one!"
Daughter: "This isn't the one you're buying. It's over there. This is just the till."
Old Lady: "Oh, I see."
Salesman: "Right. Now, if I could-"
Old Lady: "Why's it gone blue!? I want a black one!"

The computer monitor is actually black.

***

Customer: Hi there. I'm looking for a mouse proof oven.
Salesman: Urrr, okay ma'am, now I'm not sure if we actually stock those...so bare with me a moment...
Customer: It's just, mice are getting into the bottom of my oven, and I need one they can't get into.
Salesman: Urm, they don't actually make them with that function in mind...
Customer: Well, can you think of a way to get them out?
Salesman: Turn it on?
Customer: Tell you what. Can you turn this one upside down so I can have a look at the bottom, see if the mice can get in.

(It is a large heavy gas oven that is not at all safe to turn upside down)

Salesman: Not as such ma'am, no...

***

Salesman: How can I help?
Elderly Customer: Well, the thing is, I'm looking to buy a laptop.
Salesman: Oh. Okay then, what type of thing are looking for?
Elderly Customer: Well, you see, my neighbours bought some half price ferry tickets on the internet, see, and I'd like to do that. See, we sometimes go on holiday using the ferry, and it'd be nice to get half price tickets.
Salesman: Okaaaay. Is that all you're looking to use it for?
Elderly Customer: Yes, just the tickets. Will that one go on the internet?
Salesman: Well, yes. Who's your internet provider?
Elderly Customer: Sorry?
Salesman: Internet provider.... (realising the problem) Are you connected to the internet?
Elderly Customer: No! That's what I want to buy!
Salesman: ....Well, you need more than just a laptop for that. You'll need to sign up to an internet provider...
Elderly Customer: Oh. Will I? Well, there's instructions isn't there? Won't the laptop tell me how to do that?
Salesman: I tell you what sir, do you have any relatives who own a computer?
Elderly Customer: My son.
Salesman: Ask him to help you out, get you your tickets. You'll save a lot of money.... and I never thought I'd say that to a customer.

***

Salesman: Hi there, can I-
Angry Customer: Where are your TVs!? Don't tell me this is all you do! That's stupid! You should stock more TVs!!!
Salesman: Urm, they're upstairs sir...
Angry Customer: ....You have an upstairs?

***

Customer: Sony!
Salesman: Urrr.....
Customer: Don't just stand there, man! Tell me where it is!
Salesman: ...A Sony...what?
Customer: TELEVISON! Are you daft!?
Salesman: Urm, well in that case, they're upstairs. Is it a specific one?
Customer: Of course!
Salesman: Well, I'll just show you it, shall I...

***

Elderly Lady: (Looking at a television playing a demo of the game Gran Turismo 5) Excuse me love, what channel is that on? I didn't know there was a race today.

***

Customer: Don't worry, I'll come back and give you the sale so you get comission.
Salesman: Oh, don't worry. We don't run on comission here.
Customer: Of course you do!
Salesman: No, we really don't...
Customer: WHY would you do this job without it!? Are you insane!?

***



Salesman: Okay sir, now I just need to take- -oh, I'm sorry sir. I'm afraid this computer terminal has crashed. If you just come with me to another one...
Customer: Well, you should of taken out the insurance on it then.

Three Hundred and Sixty!

If you read that in a deep, over dramatic voice you probably played too much Destruction Derby as a child.

Which is your own fault really, because that game was crap.

Anyway, so I finally got my X-Box 360. I don't know if I'm impressed with the service I got over that or not. On one half, it took them several months to send it to me, I had to collect two bills and send them off and had to hunt down the mailing address through the royal mail because their website had got it wrong. Oh, and no contact e-mails or phone numbers on their website were correct either.

But, on the other half, it was free and came with a pretty decent phone at £25 a month. Which is good. I've decided to opt for 'I don't care' and just enjoy being able to finally play the only set of games I've missed out on (thanks to my brother already owning the Playstation 3).

The thing that impressed me with it so far is that a lot of the games (at least the ones I've tried on it) are suprisingly original. The basic way I've seen the different consoles so far is that the Wii is for people who don't know much about games, or like innovation, the PS3 is for people with lots of money (or, more fairly, people who want something that will do more than just play games), and the 360 is for the type of gamer who likes very traditional, stereotypical games, such as your standard shooters.

So far the main two games I've played are Dead Rising and Eternal Sonata. Dead Rising is the most traditional of the pair, being a survival horror game. Except, this is a survival horror game where there's no real 'horror' to be mentioned. It's more of a 'survival comedy'. After all, any game that gives you an award for 'knocking 30 zombies over with a parasol' isn't aiming to be gritty. And one where one type of offence is to stick a bucket over your enemy's head so it can't see is brilliant.

The other, Eternal Sonata, defies explanation. With a graphical style that is somewhere between Japanese anime and a French painting (the characters look painted, but unmistakingly Japanese), and several stereotypical Japanese RPG tropes mixed in the setting of being inside 18th Century composer Chopin's final dream as he lies on his death bed in Paris it's...just a little bit strange.

Add to that an actually rather subtle storyline, and some suprisingly dark themes (I mean, the main character is about to die for christsake, and the game opens with the sappy annoying typical RPG girl commiting suicide) and it's so bizarre you can't argue it's not original.

Wierdly, it's also a very good addictive game, despite being so strange it somehow recaptures that time when games were so wierd you had no questions about a fat plumber stomping on animated turtles or a hedgehog who for some reason was fighting robots at super sonic speeds.

And yet I thought the 360 was unoriginal.

I also thought it had a reputation for doing badly in Japan because it had no RPGs on it. Yet there seem to be a lot. More than Playstation 3. That's confused me as well.

Sadly, my brother had to go and crush my 'buy only original games' quest by buying Gears of War for it. Luckily, I continue on my quest to be the only X-Box 360 owner in the world who doesn't own Halo 3. Hopefully my brother won't fuck that one up too.

Fire Ruins Everything

Having your place of work catch fire. Surely that's one of the big dreams. Not quite the big dream, I mean, compared to winning the lottery or bonking the Hollywood actress of your choice, but pretty high up there, right?

Well, apparently there are all kinds of technicalities when it actually happens.

For example, contary to the popular belief you get time off, you're actually more likely to have to work overtime. Except you won't be doing your job. You'll be 'tidying'. In the dark. Because why would your company pay for a clear up team when they can make their loyal employees do the work? And you won't get as many days off, because it's not 'real' work, is it? You don't need two days off a week when you're only cleaning all day. It's not like you're doing a real job. Apparently. Oh, and you'll have to work in the dark. Your power generator will probably not be working, especially if it's the thing that caught fire in the first place. This is especially bad if you work in a shop that's actually a large metal box with no windows, because you can't see anything. Don't worry though. Your company will provide the 6-for-£4 torches to help out. And hey, you might even have to climb inside a skip at some point to retrieve some rubbish that has to be thrown in another skip. That's always fun.

Of course, this is without focusing into the fact if you typically have a chance to earn any kind of bonus (especially if this happens during the Christmas period) you lose it. So you even lose money too. And more money when you reopen if it's a shop and you do a stupid thing like promise every customer you turn away special discount when they come back...

So, what does this have to do with anything?
Guess.