I'd Like To Point Out I Never Said Which Breakfast I'd Be Back For

So, my first post from Reading, and I'm doing alright. Mostly over (for the moment) the anxiety of being away from home, but I think that'll set in later when it really hits that I'm not going to go home again, not in the same way, but for the moment I'm alright. I'm getting nervous about the course though, and the lack of guidance we have here is a bit irritating, we're never too sure what we're supposed to be doing. I'm worried I won't like the course, but if that occurs then I'll just have to drop out, I'm spending endless amounts of money and three years of my life on a course I don't want to do! But here's hoping that doesn't occur!

My flatmates are awesome, although we seem to be the worse flat in the building (for getting into trouble, not for people!). We've been told we're recieving written notices for making too much noise (in Fresher's Week...) AND been told if we leave our kitchen so untidy again we're going to be reported. Great start!

My page on the community pretty much sums up a lot of stuff for the random stories I have to tell, and I'll keep adding to it as more random things occur. I rang Cooper, and may ring Baird, since I haven't seen him on messenger, because I'm trying to stay in contact (especially now I'm over the 'gone away' shock, for the moment).

But Uni is proving fun, which is good, if a little nerve racking at times. At least I updated!

And I do want those kippers when I get back!

Come In Number 169, Your Time Is Up

Well, I'm off. Gotta unplug the computer, so this is my last blog post before I'm in Reading, living a completely different life. And yeah, I'm still petrified.

So I guess this is my offical goodbye to everyone. Thanks for being such good mates over the years, dunno how I would have got through life without you. It's really hard to think I'm not gonna just be able to see you all every day like I can now, but I guess I just need to get used to it.

Bye everybody.

Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast.

The Beginning of the End

Marc left today, as most people know. Tom and Pete leave on Sunday. I won't see them again for three months.

Damn, that's strange.

The guys I see every day I can't see for three months. And soon that'll be me gone.

A week.

Shit.

So, this is it. The end. Or at least, the end of this phase of our lives. It'll never be the same again. And that scares the shit out of me.

I'll never forget anybody. But I'll be ESPECIALLY thinking of Marc and Pete on Tuesday when I'm watching the Serenity advanced preview and they're not!

Ha! Look at that! My dramatic blog took a comedy turn! HA! PLOT TWISTS ON YOU!

Ahem. I'm actually in a pretty good mood. Did fencing tonight, and Andy let me do the one thing I always wanted to try: duel wielding. Fepee as he calls it. Foil and an epee. I even fought Andy with it (god, he's fast...and good!). It was a lot of fun, but very tiring. Shame Marc wasn't there, he probably would have had fun.

Well, I dunno when people are gonna read my blog, but if any of you guys do, thanks for everything over the years. You've all been great friends, and just imagining life without you is scary. Hope you all have a great time at Uni!

My Phone Number

I got a new phone number. Or a new mobile number. However, I became aware of the stupidity of posting it on the internet in public, so I'll stick it as a comment after this to MILDLY INCONVIENCE those who attempt to use it for prank purposes. Suck on that!

On a side note, I CANNOT send text messages (not for free, anyway) so if you text me on something not overly important and I don't reply, it's coz I don't wanna waste money, but I'll just ring back if it's important, I have free minutes.

Why Does It Bother Me?

I've come to the conclusion of my problems with Uni. Now, as I've said before, like a lot of us, I am not overly emotional and I do not complain about my problems. But then I realised the reason.

You guys.

I'm not inhuman, like everybody, things bother me. I've been depressed more than once over these last few years, but then I spend five minutes with you lot, just one of you, or all of you, and my problems are gone. They don't bother me anymore. With you guys around, I'm immortal. Nothing can affect me. You guys make me far stronger than I could possibly be on my own.

Hence in my last blog saying 'don't bother giving a damn about me' or whatever I said. Between my family, who despite arguing with me all the time but are willing to do anything for me and you guys you make me smile just when I see you, I will always be fine. Nothing will ever effect me.

So, Uni. Problem.

I suddenly lose that. I realised I was losing the only thing that keeps me going. The only thing that keeps me from giving up and feeling down. At Uni, I will be petrified, no point in pretending I won't be. I've been scared before. Exam anxiety for example, but a quick conversation with you guys, and it's gone. I was scared about University the other day, but Cooper called on me, and we had one of the best days ever, my problem vanished in seconds (literally, by the time we'd passed the chinese outside my door I felt great). But this time, this time I'm going to be there, and I'm going to have to face it alone.

Hence: me being honest about my problems. I'm NOT dishonest. I'm not the type who always lies when I have a problem. I've mentioned a few worries once or twice. Psychology, I guess you could say I'm empathic, as long as everybody else is around feeling good, I feel good, and my problems go away. So this time, realising my support network will be gone, I'm afraid. That's the truth. That's the reason it bothers me.

Sure we'll have messenger, but somehow, it's always been comforting, even when we talk on messenger, knowing I can see you guys anytime. I'm not entirely sure how I'm going to cope on my own, for once not being able to leech off you guys to make me feel better.

In other news, I just got home from a great night out with you lot. I'm tired, but Boote's blog made me want to blog. The night was great, another example of why you guys rule so much.

Oh, and yes, I am aware the 'I can't face it on my own' mentality I'm exhibiting is NOT the pinnacle of manliness. Pfft, what can I say? I left my masculine ego in my other trousers.

I'm An Idiot

I'm not one to guess how I seem to other people, but I try my very best to make it appear that very little bothers me. I don't like having problems of my own that people have to worry about, I kind of feel it makes people concerned about me instead of worrying about themselves, so I try not to do it. I have no idea how succesful I am.

Except last night. Last night I was utterly open and said what was really bothering me, and I have been today. This Uni problem is very serious to me, it scares the hell out of me, and I don't know how I'm going to face it. So, I decided, why bother to hide it and pretend it doesn't matter, I might as well talk about it.

I'm a fucking idiot.

Apparently, Ems tried to break up with Cooper because of the thoughts me mentioning this to her led her down. Cooper and Ems almost broke up and it was all my fault. Because I broke my sacred rule and wanted to talk about what was bothering me, instead of ignoring it like I usually do. And I know it sounds it, but I'm not being melodramatic here, it was totally my fault. I can't apologise enough (not gonna stop me from trying) to Cooper and Emily for causing the problem, but you can imagine how bad I feel about it now.

I'm not sure what to do now. Since I vowed not to delete that last post, and the context of this one makes it obvious, everybody knows that going to Uni is seriously bothering me (I mean, it's logical really). And I know most people say that you should talk about your problems. But you know what? Why? Why bother? Nothing I or anybody else says will change anything, or change how I feel. Instead, I should just focus on having fun for our final days (damn, saying that really makes me sad, 'our final days', like we're being split up forever). And I shouldn't bring it up. I'm sure everybody else is feeling a similar thing anyway.

Of course, it's seriously on my mind at the moment, to the fact I feel physically ill most of the time thinking about it, so knowing me, I'll bring it up again and again, but I should try not too. It's not fair to load it on other people. So I'm sorry. Don't give me a second thought, I'm not worthy giving a damn about anyway, I'll always be alright no matter what happens, and I'm sorry to the people who had their own problems brought to the surface by what I said. I truly am a fucking idiot, but I'll do my best to not let it happen again. Sorry!

It Just Hit Me

I feel selfish making this blog, considering what's going on on the other side of the world still, but it's late, and I guess I have a habit of being selfish.

I've never blogged because I can't sleep before. Until now. The truth has just hit me. The Summer is over. The schools go back today (considering it's now 2.00 am). In 18 days I leave this life behind. I was laying in bed, and I realised I simply couldn't COMPREHEND leaving all of this behind. The room I've slept in almost every night for my entire life, not living within its four walls. The house I've never left, not knowing it or seeing it. Not seeing the friends that make me feel so lucky just to have known at ease. I get home sick going away for the weekend! And in 18 days, I will leave this life behind. Sure, they'll be holiday, times we're at home, but let's not kid ourselves, it won't be the same. Marc and Pete leave before I do even. Marc and Pete who have been my friends since the youngest year of Primary School, leaving the city. Then I do it. And Cooper. We all go our seperate ways. Some people I may never even see again, people I counted as my friends in school.

Yet I still can't comprehend it. Not properly. It all comes back to the room. Imagining being in a different room with a different city and nobody I know around. It'll never be the same. I'll never be able to relax like I do around you guys. Never feel as free, and never feel the same. Never will I be as carefree, jobless, worryless, not a care in a world, but that's going to be gone in 18 days. 18 days!? That'll fly by like it doesn't exist. I can see it like it's tomorrow, looking upon this house for the last time as a home, a true home, and leaving it.

I don't know if anybody else feels like I do. I've always had the problem of becoming VERY attached to things, to life in general, but right now I can barely imagine facing it. True, I'm tired, and that obviously affects judgement, but I think I'm just being honest for once. Too often I won't say what's bothering me, I don't like discussing it, and I certainly don't like writing a whiny blog, but this time I've decided to say it. To come out and admit it. This is how I feel. I'm very scared, and it's not easy to admit that. To the extent I've considered more than once NOT going to Uni, starting a different life, staying here, but I know I have to go. It's a chance for something good, to become something good, but I leave so much behind it's so dammed frightening.

Never sleeping in this room again, not as MY room, not as MY home, but as a home and a room I get to return to occasionally. You guys being the guys I get to see occasionally, where we'll just remember all the good times. The thousands of them. Every moment that's passed where we had fun together, everything we've done over the years.

Seven years has gone so fast.

Sorry for the melodramatic song lyrics, but it kinda sums it up. I normally try to be optimistic, or I try to act bravely, like it doesn't phase me. Lord knows it usually works, I recall a time somebody told me "It won't bother you" because I obviously came off as somebody who didn't care too much about the setting I was in. But I do. More than people can imagine. To the extent I am scared to death literally (it's the sick feeling in my gut keeping me awake) of leaving. Pathetic? Maybe. But it's true. I'm being honest for once. Furthermore, I vow not to delete this post, because I know I'll want to in the morning. But it can stay. Just so people know how I feel.

And yes, I know I'm being selfish. I'm one of the few who's leaving, alot of you get to live on here, at least for a while. Sure, it'll be different for a lot of you without people like me, Cooper, Pete and Marc around, but it won't be the end. You're lives will be pretty similar, but ours are going to change dramatically. I mean, I don't even know the first thing about so much. Cooking? I can cook about five or six different meals, and just about work a microwave. Shopping? No idea what kind of things to buy or where it's cheapest to get them. And bills and things? Not a clue.

Me and Boote had a comical argument about how I was naive (or not, as was my case). But thinking about it, I guess I am kinda naive. Sheltered to how to live in the real world. I don't know how I'm gonna face it, but frankly it scares the shit out of me. And the summer is over, totally wasted. No movie, no DVD, like I wished. It's gone. Over. Finished. And I fucking wasted it. I was ill for a week, and I didn't come out, I didn't see you guys, because of it. What the fuck was I thinking!? This is the end of everything we've had together, and I wasted it!

I could go on for hours, repeating myself, whining, but I'm going to shut up. I feel you kind of get my emotions from this post. You get what I'm feeling. And you get me being melodramatic as well. Will I regret this in the morning? Yes. I don't like people knowing how I actually feel. I'm not sure why, I just don't. Like I'm vulnerable, or like they think less of me, or something. Understandable, really, I must sound like such a wuss. But at least you'll know how I feel, if anybody made it this far through such a long post. You guys rule, and are the best friends I could ever wish for. There's no way in hell I'll be able to replace you. Maybe that's part of the reason I'm so scared.

Anyway, I'm going to shut up. I guess now you know slightly more about me.

But to end such a lengthy post, I felt like stealing a quote. One that kind of applies to all of us. It's corny, and stolen from an obvious source, but it works, for me at least.

To eternal friendship, it shall never fall,
All for one, and one for all.

An Update, Finally

I haven't updated this in a while because nothing has happened. However, I found a site here:

http://tsunamihelp.blogspot.com/

That is set up to help with the Tsunami disaster (somewhat overshadowed right now by the disaster in New Orleans). The idea that website presents at the top is that everybody with a blog does something to raise awareness on the second of September. That is in fact, yesterday byt 45 minutes. Well, this is my attempt. I haven't pulled out lots of sites, but there's that website. Remember, just because it's been months since it happened doesn't mean the problem has gone away.

And onto New Orleans, which is a huge tragedy. Tens of thousands may be dead. That's a number I can barely imagine. It's true what they say, five deaths is a tragedy, a hundred is a statistic, but I can't help feeling horrible while considering it. And yes, I could go on to say that the American gun culture is proving to be a problem, that the looting and mobs are ruining rescue efforts. Yes, it's easy to sit here, generalise, and say its their own fault. But hundreds of thousands of people are trapped in their own city, destroyed, and dieing. A few morons may be looting and shooting, but that doesn't change the fact that most of them just want to get out.

There's nothing I can do to help. When the Tsunami disaster occured, I had a job and donated money, this time, I don't, I can't even do that. I just hope that somehow people get their act together and rescue the survivors before more people die. I really wish I could do something, I mean, it's so easy to sit here and go 'Oh yeah, look at me, I care', but I don't really, if I'm not doing anything. Or at least that's how it feels.