Attitudes: A Big Self Centered Whiny Rant (Please Ignore, I'll Regret Posting This Very Soon)

Lately I've found myself running into more and more people, naturally, having moved to Uni and started all over again, basically. And I can't help but get an overall feeling out of most of the people I run into, nobody seems to actually like me. In fact, I get the feeling most people quite severly dislike me. Which is obviously not good for me. Most people back in Plymouth who got to know me liked me, but that's because they knew what I was like at the core, and it had taken a long time. My friends (ie: you guys reading this most probably) knew who I was, and what my attitudes were, but it had taken seven years. I'd proven I was worth putting up with by helping out and trying to be there for people. At least, that's why I feel I was liked. Here it's different. People don't know me. They don't know how I feel in my heart, and probably never will. And on the outside, I'm just an annoying twat nobody likes. Just about everybody I meet I feel dislikes me, and would prefer it if I wasn't around.

I mean, it's easy to understand, on the outside when you meet me, there's nothing to like. I have the tendency to talk about myself, seeming vain and self centered, not caring about anybody else, and I can sound quite arrogant. And then I don't share the same values as a lot of people (not drinking, not really liking clubbing etc.) and so I fall further still. The first impression people get of me means there's nothing to like. So I'm not liked. Simple. The result is that I have a lot of people who dislike me, and it really upsets me. Because I feel if I'm not being a good enough person for people to like me, then I'm valueless. If I'm not being the right person, a person people can depend on and like, then why am I person at all?

At the moment I feel I can walk away from Uni never to return and nobody here would bat an eyelash. Nobody would miss me (well, one or two maybe if I'm very lucky). Hell, some people would probably be quite glad I was gone. So the only person I'm any value to is myself. And when I'm only valuable to me, I'm not valuable to me at all because it means I'm worthless to me.

So right now I end up hating who I am, and wishing I could come across differently, hell, wishing I could be different. But I can't change who I am, not enough, and not without lying. Maybe it's that I dunno what I need to change. Or hell, maybe I'm paranoid and imagined this whole thing. That's a distinct possibility.

Oh, and I'm aware this sounds like a whole self pity rant. I mean, technically speaking it IS, but your all under strict orders not to give me any sympathy posts, this is me, whining. You shouldn't give whiners attention, remember that! Plus I don't deserve sympathy for a long whine over what may very well be me being paranoid, or the fact that it's an inevitability some people won't like you and there's nothing you can do about it, so it's pointless.

Of course, it may be arrogant of me to assume anybody would want to give me sympathy. (See, this is how I come across as arrogant...).

Anyway, that's how I feel right now. I'm tired, which influences judgement (generally making me depressed), and possibly just being paranoid, but this is just the feeling I get. I don't even think I described it very well. But hell, it's up there. On my blog.

I need to buy a personal journal for this kind of thing.

Played For And Got!

So, yesterday was Cooper's birthday, and me and Baird paid him a visit. A train trip down to Bristol for me, one up for Baird, and the two of us met at the train station. Emily was already scheming, and we had arranged this. She would lure Cooper to Riley's, where me and Baird would be waiting to suprise him.

It was a long wait, it took a long time for him to get there, but we had lots of catching up to do (and food eating to do, it was lunch time) anyway so we were alright. And then he finally arrived, and was at the bar, sorting out the cards. Me and Baird just casually walked up behind him and simply said:

"Hey Coops."

Suffice to say, the reaction was priceless. We actually pulled it off without a problem. He had no idea we were coming, and best of all, we got it all on video on my phone. The rest of the day was awesome, even if we didn't do much, just because we were together again having fun. And, of course, Baird almost missed the train, which was exciting, when he hailed a cab at the last moment and just made it. I had to wait an hour for mine though, which was less exciting.

Trains do indeed scare me, they're very confusing.

But yes, Cooper's reaction was simply the best. A suprise visit from two of his best mates on his birthday even though we all live in different cities now, arranged as the perfect suprise. It worked brilliantly and was great fun.

Happy Birthday Coops! Hope you liked your present!

I'm Slipping

Well, I kinda feel a bit lately like I'm not doing everything I should be. Since I came here I utterly failed to do anything or join any proper clubs. I don't fence anymore, despite the fact that I want too, but mostly because of seriously inconvinient timing and it being over on White Knights, a good half an hour walk away, which I'm willing to do, but it is more inconvinient.

I've also stopped doing martial arts. There's no World Ju Jitsu Federation here. This Christmas I'll have to see if I can get my registeration as an assistant coach officaliated (yes, I did just make up that word) and then see if we can get permission to open our own club. Assistant coaches aren't supposed to do it, but there's only two clubs in the entire south of England, and Robert Clark, the head of the Federation is desperate for more clubs apparently. He let our Sensei open one when he was an assistant, and since there's two of us who are assistant coaches in Reading he should let us, giving us the oppurtunity to be real coaches and run a club. Of course, this way I'd revise all my old stuff too, so I look forward to trying to do that!

There are multiple problems with that plan however, but I'm still up for trying it!

Other than that, nothing has happened since Night Random. Would have done stuff last night, but watched Manhunter (the original version of Red Dragon) instead, it wasn't that good. And Friday just disappeared, I don't know how.

I'm slightly worried about money, my money is disappearing fast, considering how much everything costs for me here, and I can't see me making the year right now. And I don't even drink, so I'm not wasting any money on that. But we'll see. I'm hoping I'll be fine.

Night Random

So, yesterday/today was Emma and Cat's birthdays, respectively. And last night turned into the ultimate night of adventure and excitement and high drama!

Things were beginning to go downhill when a random guy from a bar (who claimed to be from the RAF) had decided he was going to sleep in our kitchen for the night, and followed us home (debatably invited by Dan, who was very drunk). Anyway, the whole of our building turns out to stop him, after Dan and him have disappeared. Eventually they show up, and we let Dan in, but bar the other guy, and Kate goes down in 'supermum' mode and shouts at him until he leaves, where he waits outside for ages, creepily. Then everybody starts blaming Dan, who eventually stormed off claiming it wasn't his fault.

Apparently he annoyed half the campus, waking them up, going into their buildings singing and stuff before security took him home! He's probably gonna get fined as well!

That's without mentioning the drama of the bunch of swills/chavs/pikies starting on Maggie, but Mina and Alice (a friend of Emma's who had come down) getting involved and getting the police over, but I wasn't there for that! I was dealing with the random guy situation.

So all in all, a very random night out.

Meet The Cast

I haven't had much to say lately, despite moving away and my entire life changing. So I figured I'd do a page basically saying something about the people I live with and know now. Since it'll make future blogging easier too, since I can refer to people without you lot thinking "who the hell is that?". So, without further crap from me:

Starring (in order of room):

Mina: Pretty much the life of the flat and pretty much always cheerful.

Kate: Quite often comes across as the one in charge, or at least, the one with a clue as to what's going on. I'm tempted to say 'the mum of the flat', but if she ever reads this, her wrath might be great. From Exeter.

Mike: The ultimate comedian based upon insulting people. Saw a mic I use to talk to parents back home and thus told the whole flat I do karoke in my room, for example. Very funny guy.

Kat (posssibly with a C): Me and Kat don't see much of each other somehow, we keep completely missing each other in the flat. She tried to get me to watch Ghost once though! Luckily I avoided that. She's good friends with Maggie (see later) from another building who pratically lives in this flat anyway.

Dan: Dan is, especially in our first weeks here, like our intelligence. If something is happening on campus, he knows about it, and he seems to know about all the rooms. Training to be a social worker, he parties quite alot. Priceless time we work up having lost him, only to see him across in another building's window wrapped in a pink blanket waving.

Emma: Emma is pretty much the first person I met here, since we were all fairly nervous, and the two of us just tried to get along. I see less of her now, like Kat, but she always seems pretty happy like she's enjoying herself.

Leigh: I think you know who I am.

Hannah: Hannah's the only person in my flat on my course. She spends quite a bit of time in her room, playing FFXI! At least, I know she does play it and that's what I figure she's up too. She's into Final Fantasy and anime and stuff like that.

Also Starring (people who aren't in our flat):

Sam: Sam's a girl who remembers me from her interview (and I remember her). She's very loud and friendly, which makes her a great person to know because it's very easy to be friends with her. She's also very hard working and dammed good at the subject. Invited me to a party with her flat mates who I had never met. Was great fun.

Zorro: Zorro is in fact called Todd, but known only as Zorro due to the fact that he went to a western night dressed as him. We got along well, but I haven't seen him much lately. Can be a very funny guy.

Tracy & Megan: These two go together because they're hardly ever apart. From the flat upstairs, they often hang out with us down here. Dan really liked them at first, rushing to meet them. Now he's stolen their fridge magnets in an attempt to annoy them. Urr, but I wouldn't know anything about that.

Sarah Cox: Had to put her surname, because it's cool. Another friend from Film and Theatre, and one who lives in Reading, which is cool. She's quite quiet around new people it seems (she's come back to our kitchen with Sam a few times), but mostly quite talkative around us. She knows her way around as well since she lives here, which is a nice change.

Rolo: Has an awesome name. At least, an awesome nickname. A bit too into guns at times, but overall a very cool guy, a good joker and good fun. I owe him a game of Smash Bros. From Cornwall.

Rupert: Claim to fame is that he worked in the Wensidale Cheese factory from Wallace and Gromit. A year younger than all of us, had his 18th Birthday about a week ago.

Maggie: Maggie is a guy named Tom. Nobody, not even Maggie, knows where his nickname came from. Good friend of Kat, I think they moved here together. Hangs out here more than in his own flat.

Zara: (I have no idea if that's how you spell it). Welsh girl who hangs out here quite often, very friendly and good fun. Often involved in intense Uno games with us.

That's all I can think of for now. There are more people obviously, but I don't see that much of them, so this is my current 'cast list' (thought it was appropriate, since we made old 'our lives are a TV show' jokes).

There you have it! The people I know!

The First Week

Week one down! Uni has been so far a mix of things. Scary as hell, good fun, and a bit daunting. Reading itself is less than I hoped, being more a crime riddled big city near the capital and less the fun and exciting new place I hoped it would be. Apparently a student was stabbed and killed on campus last year, and in one area we got told to avoid, three people were shot and killed. Scary. And it's very daunting not knowing your way around. I really miss Plymouth and its simplicity, the good ol' grid and how I knew everything.

I really like everybody I've met here, and are good friends with them. Even if they aren't always the type of people I'd like to hang out with (and aren't 100% certain they all like me). Example: the other day, one person from my flat and two 'extras' were discussing how much they'd pay for weed back home. But I can overlook that and they're all really good people, and I don't think they mind me really. At least, I hope not! I think they can find me rather annoying, or at least rude at time, with the style of jokes I make (which not everybody finds funny here!). But they ARE a decent group of people, and I'm really glad I have them around, rather than some of the other .... characters... I hear about (like a girl who goes around proclaiming her name is 'Big T' and that she's 'down with the kids'...).

Miss everybody hell of a lot though. Might be coming home for a day soon! I look forward to that, just to be back on familiar ground, I hate not knowing where I am or my way around. 'Course, I'll learn that eventually, I hope!

Tomorrow should prove interesting, a 9.00am lecture (my first proper one!) and laundry. I'm SO nervous about starting my subject proper, I'm petrified that I won't like it and that I'm on the wrong course, but we'll see.